this post is going to be the post that i hate the most. I didnt know i could hate my own post until i wrote this one. For the past few days, ive been having my worst days of my life. They took so much of my energy, i dont even feel like a human being. There is one thing that caused me like this, and that one thing is a boy.
i have a crush on this boy for the past 1 year, but few days ago i found out that he doesnt like me and he is seeing someone else. The girl is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay much better than me. she is prettier, skinnier, she has perfect shaped lips, her hair is flawless, her skin is glowing and she is like the perfect definition of a perfect girl, according to him.
im so fucking heartbroken right now and im writing this post with fucking tears running down my fucking face like a fucking crybaby. when i first found out about him and the girl, it felt like my body is so heavy, a giant rock fell on to of me, basically everything that makes you in pain, thats what i felt. i didnt know what to do at that time, i read the group chat as they talk about him and the girl.
and this is where i realized some fucked up shit was happening :
1. they (my classmate friends) was talking about my ex crush and the girl like its a fucking big news like bitchhhhhhhhhhh dont you see someone is hurting ? dont you know that someone is having feeling for him and you guys talked about it like it was the best thing for you guys, while me, it could have been the reason why i was dead that day, because believe it or not my anxiety was fucking me that day too, i could do the short way and kill my self but i didnt not, i called my friend instead and cry in the fucking phone like a bitch.
2. turned out that it means nothing to him all this time. before this accident (yes i call this accident), he was soooooooo fucking sweet but cold too. we talked like nothing was happening. but i know deep down, he knows that i had a crush on him, that i had feeling for him. the thing is, it felt like he had the same feeling for me too. he didnt just look at me and then look the fuck away when i started to look at him. you know right? if indonesian people called this curi curi pandang. it was happening so many times i cant even count. then, when it was my birthday. he brought the goddamn cake to me to the fucking class. you are lying if you dont like it when boys to do that. man i felt like i was the happiest girl in the fucking world. THE TRUTH IS IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. BEST BIRTHDAY EVER. but who knows 6 months later he turned his fucking back against me and liking someone else the fuck is thissssssssssssss.
3. all my effort on trying to get his fucking attention means nothing to me. NONE. i was the one who was to chat first, i was the one who was to search the topic if we chat, and i was the one who has to try to keep the conversation going. felt like we switched role that day. i was the boy and he was the girl of my dream. i really remember that day, when he didnt show up to school one day, and in the evening he chatted the shit out of me. i mean whatt? since when did he want to the the first move? i tried to keep it cool to him but man i FUCKING SCREAMD IN A KFC, YES I WAS IN THE KFC WITH MA FRIENDS THAT DAY, and they stared at me like what is happening githa? and turned out it was the best chat of my life with him, the longest, and funniest ever. and probably the last chat ever because we dont talk anymoreeeeee
4. he changed. a lot. this is should have been a good thing for him, i should be happy too. but can you be happy when the boy you loved (yes, ive loved him) likes someone else, and its not you. can you be happy that the man of your dream turned out to be someone else's? can you be happy the man that you imagine having a family with, turned their back to you, and they are dreaming a happy life with someone else? the last, that hurts me the most, can you be happy when you really want someone to change for better, they did, but its not for you? its for someone else? someone who is more better on every inch of her body and it makes you anxious you want to kill yourself?
i need to stop here, really. i dont want my anger to write this anymore.
if this is the best for me, then so be it. i got to move on now. but i dont think i can forgive him for this, i feel like i will hate him for the rest of my life. i dont know. maybe i will change, just like he did.
