I HATE THIS POST

this post is going to be the post that i hate the most. I didnt know i could hate my own post until i wrote this one. For the past few days, ive been having my worst days of my life. They took so much of my energy, i dont even feel like a human being. There is one thing that caused me like this, and that one thing is a boy.

i have a crush on this boy for the past 1 year, but few days ago i found out that he doesnt like me and he is seeing someone else. The girl is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay much better than me. she is prettier, skinnier, she has perfect shaped lips, her hair is flawless, her skin is glowing and she is like the perfect definition of a perfect girl, according to him.

im so fucking heartbroken right now and im writing this post with fucking tears running down my fucking face like a fucking crybaby. when i first found out about him and the girl, it felt like my body is so heavy, a giant rock fell on to of me, basically everything that makes you in pain, thats what i felt. i didnt know what to do at that time, i read the group chat as they talk about him and the girl.

and this is where i realized some fucked up shit was happening :
1. they (my classmate friends) was talking about my ex crush and the girl like its a fucking big news like bitchhhhhhhhhhh dont you see someone is hurting ? dont you know that someone is having feeling for him and you guys talked about it like it was the best thing for you guys, while me, it could have been the reason why i was dead that day, because believe it or not my anxiety was fucking me that day too, i could do the short way and kill my self but i didnt not, i called my friend instead and cry in the fucking phone like a bitch.

2. turned out that it means nothing to him all this time. before this accident (yes i call this accident), he was soooooooo fucking sweet but cold too. we talked like nothing was happening. but i know deep down, he knows that i had a crush on him, that i had feeling for him. the thing is, it felt like he had the same feeling for me too. he didnt just look at me and then look the fuck away when i started to look at him. you know right? if indonesian people called this curi curi pandang. it was happening so many times i cant even count. then, when it was my birthday. he brought the goddamn cake to me to the fucking class. you are lying if you dont like it when boys to do that. man i felt like i was the happiest girl in the fucking world. THE TRUTH IS IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. BEST BIRTHDAY EVER. but who knows 6 months later he turned his fucking back against me and liking someone else the fuck is thissssssssssssss.

3. all my effort on trying to get his fucking attention means nothing to me. NONE. i was the one who was to chat first, i was the one who was to search the topic if we chat, and i was the one who has to try to keep the conversation going. felt like we switched role that day. i was the boy and he was the girl of my dream. i really remember that day, when he didnt show up to school one day, and in the evening he chatted the shit out of me. i mean whatt? since when did he want to the  the first move? i tried to keep it cool to him but man i FUCKING SCREAMD IN A KFC, YES I WAS IN THE KFC WITH MA FRIENDS THAT DAY, and they stared at me like what is happening githa? and turned out it was the best chat of my life with him, the longest, and funniest ever. and probably the last chat ever because we dont talk anymoreeeeee

4. he changed. a lot. this is should have been a good thing for him, i should be happy too. but can you be happy when the boy you loved (yes, ive loved him) likes someone else, and its not you. can you be happy that the man of your dream turned out to be someone else's? can you be happy the man that you imagine having a family with, turned their back to you, and they are dreaming a happy life with someone else? the last, that hurts me the most, can you be happy when you really want someone to change for better, they did, but its not for you? its for someone else? someone who is more better on every inch of her body and it makes you anxious you want to kill yourself?

i need to stop here, really. i dont want my anger to write this anymore.
if this is the best for me, then so be it. i got to move on now. but i dont think i can forgive him for this, i feel like i will hate him for the rest of my life. i dont know. maybe i will change, just like he did.

Apalagi kalau bukan cinta ? (kaum culun)

sebagai seorang manusia, aku yakin kalian semua pernah mengalaminya.
saat kamu adalah seorang remaja, hal ini adalah topik pembicaraan paling pertama.
apalagi kalau bukan cinta?
seakan akan mulutmu tidak berhenti mengatakan kata cinta, suka.
seakan akan orang orang akan menganggapmu culun kalau tidak membicarakan cinta.
menganggap?
oh rupanya mereka tidak menganggap.
mereka memang berfikir kaum culun adalah mereka mereka yang tidak mengenal cinta.

sangat sulit memang, saat kau menulis tulisan ini dan kau adalah salah satu dari kaum culun itu.
tapi tidak ada yang perlu disesalkan. berbanggalah wahai kalian kaum culun di luar sana.
setidaknya kalian tidak harus menangis, merengek dan mengemis pada orang tua kalian,
semua itu hanya untuk memuaskan satu orang yang mereka pikir akan ada disaat susah nanti.
setidaknya kalian bisa menikmati hidup tanpa harus memikirkan orang lain.
masih banyak setidaknya setidaknya lainya di luar sana yang bisa kau nikmati.

kaum terhina, kaum terkuper, kaum yang tidak layak dipandang.
jika cinta memang cinta, dia akan datang padamu.
cinta tidak akan peduli biarpun kau adalah kaum culun.
namun cinta tidak akan melihat itu semua.
cinta akan memeluk tubuh gendutmu dengan erat.
cinta akan menyisir rambutmu yang keriting dan gimbal.
cinta akan mendorong kursi rodamu kemanapun kau mau.
cinta akan merawatmu saat orang tuamu dibakar nanti.
tenanglah, cinta akan datang padamu.

teruntuk kaum culun, ingatlah.
ini adalah hidup.
berjalanlah.
jalani apa yang ada di depan mata.
hindari berlari. apalagi mengejar.
karena hidup adalah sebuah perjalan.
bukan pelarian.

ini bukan puisi. ini adalah curahan hati kaum yang dibicarakan diatas.

My Feeling as Poems

whenever i feel sad, usually i write it down on my note. its just i think its another way to express how i feel in that moment. sometimes its about life, about how life treated me so hard i feel like im hanging my self but no, i will never do that. sometimes its about love, about how i've never found the right guy for my self, about how hard it is to find a lover for me. well, its not me. im not the picky one, its just no one wants to try it with me. you know what im talking about right? but also, i write some poems for the person that i adore, but he doesnt adore me back. im just another girl in his life, nothing more. but little does he know, he is the biggest inspiration of my favorite poem.

but now, im going to post 3 of my poems so here you go guys!

1. Poem 6

        The year of my journey is still happening

        4 years now, iam still that girl

        all of my desire has sinking

        but tonight its just getting worse

        it was an awful and dark night

        no lullaby, just the sound of the ticking clock

        im holding on to my blanket so tight

        but the owl is not as pretty as peacock

        the tremor is back

        oh god, i need your hands

        a helpless cry is chocking my neck

        take me out of this sell

        no mercy they said

        youre stilla worthless piece of a lonely body

        im full of pity they claim

        my head is so light, the sound is fading

    2. Poem 8

     

        who is she trying to get you

        trying to have you all for me

        no chance lft, it was aoll blur

        a little girl searching for a love 

        she doesnt deserve

        she grew up but weak as beak

        her soul crumbles, crushing to the ground

        but the ground refuses it

        she falls deep, deeper than a hell

        the pain remains still on her body

        my god, why is she so selfish

        no human race wants her to be here

        to be alive and to get love

        they let the fire burns her heart

        till nothing is left to touch

        a mirror once told me

        dear, its you

        a soul that belongs to you

        and now my dearly friend

        jump, they will catch you

        with their arms remain closed

    3. Poem 9

      i admire you from a far

      i touch this scar

      under my chin, its on my heart

      wondering if that look on your face

      could give me hope 

      of love

      why does love left pain

      inside of me

      it left a lot of you

      in my brain

      but me, there is nothing left of me

      inside your heart

     this new love

     left something in me

     a feel of attention

     desire and want

     could this heart still feel love?

     after all the pain you throw me

     i still pick them up, because its yiu

     the pain is from you 

     and yes, im a fool

     still falling for your trap

     to your trap of sickening love

MEETING MICHAEL CLIFFORD FROM 5SOS

I CANT BELIEVE FINALLY I CAN WRITE THIS IN MY BLOG BUT GUYS

I MET MICHAEL CLIFFORD !!!

YES, MICHAEL CLIFFORD FROM 5SOS YALL. HOW COOL IS THAT?

OKAY I NEED TO STOP TYPING WITH CAPSLOCK.

Yup, aku beneran ketemu sama mike guys! Jadi, setelah satu tahun nunggu karena tahun lalu cuma dapet tanda tangan, akhirnya aku ketemu dan dapet foto sama dia! Im so happy like I was about to cry of happiness that day.

Here is the story. Jadi, aku pertama kali tahu dia disini karna temenku velina kasi tau kan, padahal waktu itu udah malem jam 10 gitu trus aku lagi bikin surprise buat findi. Jadi aku buat surprisenya di rumahku bareng kania. Nah mereka ini temen temenku yang tahun lalu aku ajak cari 5sos juga. Aku ketemu Martin, Jordan, Mac Harmon juga sama mereka sih jadi kita udah sering bareng gitu trus kita juga punya grup di line jadi gampang kalo mau info info.

Nah pas lagi anteng buat surprisenya kan, tiba tiba kania bilang “GIT, CEK GROUP STALKER!”

And yes, nama group kita STALKER. Shouldn’t have said this but this is hilarious.

Aku kaget kan, tapi tetep cek group and I almost drop my fucking phone when I saw the message from velina and she said Michael is in Bali. With Crystal. Ps : Crystal Leigh is Michael’s girlfriend. Dan Crystal juga yang tahun lalu bilang ke kita kalau 5SOS ga bisa keluar villa karena mereka itu lagi holiday jadi sebaiknya kita jangan ganggu privacy mereka.

Alhasil, niat buatin findi surprise pun hilang karena kita pada sibuk rebut di grup.

Kitapun rencana kapan mau ke villa karena kita udah tahu villanya, dan itu villanya di tempat mereka stay tahun lalu jadi kita udah tahu tujuan kemana. Jangan tanya kita tahu villa darimana karena kita juga susah jelasinya hahaha.

Nah, akhirnya kita memutuskan untuk ke villa pas mereka mau check out dan jangan tanya lagi kita tau kapan mereka check out. Jadi mereka check out jam 12 siang, kita berangkat jam 8 dan sampai disana jam 9. Setelah sampai, kita pun diem di deket villa dan ternyata salah satu staff villa nyamperin kita dan bilang kita boleh nitip sesuatu buat Mike karena pihak staff gak tau kalau dia mau keluar apa ngga nyamperin kita.

Yah disana kita udah down banget, tapi akhirnya kita putusin untuk nunggu dan gak nitip apa apa ke staff padahal kita pada bawa surat dan souvenir buat mike. Setelah lama nunggu, kita pada laper kan trus kita ke parkiran yang tempatnya deket pantai dan untungnya disana ada warung makanlah kita di warung tersebut.

Selesai makan, semua pada kebelet kan jadi kita ke toilet ganti gentian. Yang pertama masuk Kania, dan saat dia lagi di dalem aku liat mobil masuk ke jalan arah villa. Seketika aku teriak “GUYS ADA MOBIL KE ARAH VILLA” langsung deh Velina sama Findi pada gajadi pipis dan udah mulai lari ke villa sementara aku manggilin Kania yang masih di toilet.

Eh ternyata itu mobil bukan ke Villa tempat Mike stay. Kesel kan? Kita pun nunggu lagi di tempat pertama kita nunggu. Lalu ga selang beberapa lama, ada 2 mobil dating lagi dan kali ini mobil itu bener bener masuk ke dalem villa dan kita pun jalan menuju pintu dan ngeliat suasana villa yang udah mulai ramai karena staff udah pada ngumpul depan villa. Waktu itu satu mobil bagasinya dibuka dan aku yakin itu tempat koper mereka. Kitapun nunggu sambil berdiri di depan gerbang villa sambil manggil manggil kecil nama Mike.

Kita sempet pesimis waktu itu, karena manager villa keluar bilang ke kita kalau kita cuma bisa titip sesuatu ke mereka karena si artis belum tentu mau keluar. Kita masih kekeh gamau nitip souvenirnya dan si manager masuk lagi ke dalam. Ga lama kemudian lewatlah mike…

Disana kita langsung teriak teriak “MIKEE MICHAEL PLEASE COME OUTSIDE WE HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU! “

Sedangkan aku yang lagi bawa album Sounds Good Feels Good nya 5SOS langsung lambai lambain albumnya sambil teriak teriak juga. Langsung deh si Mike noleh dan bilang “I’ll come outside” dan disana aku teriak dan ga nyangka dia bakal keluar ASTAGA!!!!!!!!!!1

Michael Gordon Clifford is so fucking tall like I have to stand on my tiptoe just to hug him OMG. His voice is so soft likeeeeeeeeeee I want to die right there but I got pictures with Michael and HE SIGNED MY SGFG ALBUM!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE

Dan jujur, itu adalah salah satu hari terbaik semasa hidupku astaga alay haha tapi ngerasain perjuangan ga sia sia itu… feels sooooo good guys!

Yap, that’s how I met Michael Clifford guys! Aku post foto aku sama Mike beberapa hari setelah aku ketemu karena aku gamau dikira ngerusak privacy mereka sooo yeah that’s all. Kalau mau liat fotonya bisa liat di instagram @kmgitha but im gonna put the pic here so yup goodbye see you when i see you!

me and the love of ma laif